Flu Guru

Wow! I’ve found that there is a flu virus in my body.

It forced me to take a break and relax. I really needed that! I had time to finally read a book that had been sitting around for years. It was full of so much wisdom! I would never have read it if not for the flu. I learned how to take better care of myself. I am stronger now and wiser for having had the flu.

It also showed me how much my wife and my friends care for me. I never knew how many medicines there were for people who have the flu. What blessings the flu virus has revealed to me. And it totally works for free! Unlike those so-called yoga teachers who charge money.

The flu virus is a great guru!

And really, the only reason why I got the flu virus is because I was running around naked in the rain in the winter totally drunk. So it’s my own fault for getting the flu virus, anyway. This is really a manifestation of my negative karmas. Such an important lesson!
Many other people should get the flu virus so they can learn how foolish it is to get drunk and walk around in the rain. Maybe I should go out in public while I’m sick and SHARE the flu virus with other people so they can enjoy its blessings?

Flu viruses are a natural. My guru told me that if you never get sick, your energy body is too hard. We should be permeable to the forces of nature and in rhythm with the seasons. Getting a seasonal flu helps. Getting ill slightly once a year also helps to keep your immune system strong! I certainly recommend getting the flu at least once.

And even viruses need food and shelter. It’s not their fault that they act that way. Viruses are incredibly efficient biological machines. We have so much to learn from viruses and how efficiently they reproduce. Look at how adaptable the flu virus is. Viruses are so clever! It seems to be able to respond to any situation.

Lots of other people have the flu virus, too. Some of them really enjoy it! They get to take time off of work, people give you free stuff, and They get lots of sympathy on Facebook.
Flu viruses aren’t all bad!

I knew a guy who worked on the stock market who seemed to get sick every month. Sure, some people say it was because he never got any sleep and was stressed out. But maybe it was part of how he got rich? There must be some connection between the flu and making tons of money.

Look at how many jobs the flu virus provides. Think of all the people who provide flu shots? All of the doctors? All of the cough syrup providers… what would they do if we got rid of the flu viruses? The flu is so benevolent and generous.

Did you know that, in India, they actually worship a virus as a goddesses? Her name is Śītalā. The smallpox goddess is actually propitiated in temples for good health. Maybe this is our American version of Her! Maybe we aren’t venerating the flu enough. Maybe the problem is that we are neglecting the flu. People who fail to see the Divinity in the flu must be unenlightened.

How arrogant of me to try and figure out which parts of nature are valid in my body and which parts are not. How can we really know what is a “disease” and what is not? Because I actually felt more easeful after getting this so-called disease. It was a big reset. We need viruses.

Many other people catch the flu at least once a year. I must be missing out on something if I haven’t gotten the flu. Who am I to think I’m an exception? Have I no empathy?!? Why am I protecting myself? What am I protecting myself FROM? Because, ultimately, it’s all me. Life is about having the full range of experiences. Including getting sick.

One of the biggest flu epidemics of all was the yellow fever. A doctor told me that 30 to 60% of people who get severe yellow fever will die. The world is so overpopulated because of the use of vaccines and medicine. Maybe another big epidemic would save the environment and bring about world peace and harmony?

I know of a historical figure who lived through the yellow fever. It must’ve been because his faith was strong. He even wrote a book about it! In it, he talked about everything he learned. Living through an intense crisis really brings people together. You learn what you’re made of. You must face your mortality.

Maybe I should try getting the yellow fever just once to see what everyone is talking about. I’m sure i will learn a lot about life and death, and maybe I could write a book, too! I can tell everyone that they should get the yellow fever too. They’ll be stronger and wiser afterwards. If they are strong enough to live through it. If not, that is their karma.
I heard of a spiritual teacher who once told her disciples to stay in and be quiet for an entire week. Just like the flu! I had a saint tell me that family time is precious, and I should spend more time with them, just like the flu!

I read in a Tantra that we are all part of the great dance of life and deeply interconnected. That it is impossible to tell where “you” begin and “other” ends. The flu deeply penetrated my body and taught me the same lesson.

Flu viruses are Tantrikas!

I heard that spiritual practitioners should be beyond attraction and aversion. So rejecting the flu as “bad” is really a contracted frame of mind. We should treat all beings with loving kindness. Including the flu!

I cherish my experience having the flu. It gave me great insights to my relationship with nature, to other people, and to myself. It launched my career as a spiritual teacher and healer.

Jaya Flu Dev!


NOTE: Folks, this was written as a comment in a discussion about Osho. It’s meant to be satire, but it’s also an example of how cult leaders and demagogues work. Mix a little truth with a little fiction, add some personal anecdotes, quote some spiritual stuff…. and all of a sudden totally macabre homicidal behavior sounds reasonable. NO, I’m really not thinking it’s helpful to spread Yellow Fever. That is what homicidal madmen do .Yellow Fever was incredibly virulent and tens of thousands, if not millions of people have died. Please check any esoteric claims against basic common sense. Human compassion is a great starting-point.